Tuesday, June 29, 2010

How Much is Too Much?

With wedding season in full swing, many of us are faced with some questions about what is required of us as friends of the bride/groom during all the wedding festivities. With showers, bachelorette parties, and the expanding popularity of destination weddings, I'm wondering how much is too much?

When I got married last Fall, I had two Bridal Showers, hosted by different people, and with completely separate guest lists. I went to see Britney Spears with three friends as a small bachelorette party, and also went out on the town locally with my sister and three friends one night as a small bachelorette celebration. I didn't want a destination bachelorette party, because I felt it was a lot to ask of my friends who aren't local. Some drove in for one of my showers and then again for the wedding (one friend even flew in from FL for my wedding). I was so grateful to them for traveling to celebrate the big day, I felt another destination bachelorette was overkill.

I'm now caught in a dilemma of sorts. I've been invited to a very close friend's wedding (which is a few hours north of my in Michigan, and I consider it to be a "destination wedding", because no one lives in this city. It's taking place at a resort in a small Northern Michigan town.), her shower, which is local, and now a destination bachelorette party. This bride was living out of state at the time of my wedding, but drove in for my shower and wedding. She stayed with her parents, as they live nearby. While I appreciate the effort to plan a fun "destination bachelorette party", am I required to attend? Its not the money I'd be spending that is causing me to pause. Its really combination of the group going on the weekend (not a group I know very well, and am not close with the girls I do know), and my feelings that this is a bit much to expect of people. Please let me know your thoughts! I want to be a supportive friend, and had even previously offered to host a small lingerie party for her at my home. She didn't take me up on it, which is fine, but I feel stuck here. I'm sure if I end up going, I'll have a fun time, but I feel uncomfortable with it for some reason.

10 comments:

Suburban Princess said...

Why dont you stay home but contact the hotel and arrange a bottle of champagne and a tray of chocolate dipped strawberries with a card from you to be delivered to the party?

Cool Gal said...

I say do whatever you feel comfortable doing (Personally, I think the whole "wedding" thing has gotten a little out of control. Baby shower thing, too). I think attending the wedding and shower is sufficient. If you're not that comfortable don't go.

Plus, is it the whole weekend? Really (*see above in parenthesis*)?

It's crazy, but I've know people who've had 5 showers plus bachelorette party. Heck, I've even known women who have planned "destination" birthday parties. Talk about overkill. I'd be embarrassed.

Always Organizing said...

I think I would be torn too. I like Suburban Princess' idea of sending something if you do not attend the destination bacheloretter party. I had one large shower where all of my bridesmaids came from out of town. I certainly did not expect all of them to come back into town for a bachelorette party and then go to my wedding, which was sort of a destination wedding also. My in state girls took me out for a night on the town and I was very happy. I'm sure your friend will be very understanding if you choose not to attend the destination bachelorette party.

The Pink Tutu said...

I have to attend bf's brother's wedding in some small town in Northern Michigan where no one lives either! His mom actually was pressuring me to fly up to the fiance's shower in Traverse City and I ended up not going because it's so expensive to fly there and I didn't see the point in going up just for a shower. I offered to do something locally instead.

I've run into the same problem with bachelorette parties too. I had a friend who planned one in Charleston, but I only knew the bride and wasn't comfortable with the rest of the group so I ended up not going. I did feel guilty, but the bride understood.

I like the idea above of calling the hotel and arranging for something special!

Miss Happy said...

Don't feel obligated to go, especially if its going to make you uncomfortable. If you don't have fun, she won't have fun and that's not good for your friendship. You have already offered a lot. I thinks sending a gift is a nice idea. Or go out for drinks and give her something. I did that for a friend whose bachelorette party I missed recently. It was kind of fun and extended the celebration.

I was actually just considering this for a bachelorette party I'm planning. Is a weekend too much? Should I just plan a night? I certainly don't want anyone to feel obligated (especially since I'm dealing with several girls in law school). I think I'm going to ask the girls, and if they can't make it (for whatever reason) I'm not going to judge and I'm sure the bride won't either.

But if you miss my bachlorette party there will be trouble. Even if it only exists in my mind right now :)

Bella Michelle said...

OH my goodness, I would feel torn as well...but also torn because as a newly-wed I probably wouldn't be too keen on spending any more than necessary time away from my dear husband (yes, I am a wee bit attached!). A sweet gift would do in your absence at the bachelorette party, especially if are traveling to attend the wedding! (((hugs)))

Candy said...

I think Suburban Princess has the right idea- politely decline the invite but send a thoughtful gift! That's probably what I would do.

Trish said...

I'm so glad you posted this...I'm going to give you my scenario - one of my very good friends from college who I've kept up with through emails, etc, and visited with over the last 10 years since we graduated is getting married in Northern Michigan at the end of this month. Now, we fell out of touch for a few years (before FB, Twitter, etc) and she was not in, nor was she invited to our wedding (we kept it kinda small, about 135 people). Since then we've seen each other a little more often, but not like ALL the time...couple times a year. (They live in CT) Well the MOB and future MIL started emailing and calling me kind of GUILTING me into coming to the wedding. Talked with hubby about it and he said, well the positive thing is that if we make a weekend of it, it is a nice "destination" that we probably wouldn't otherwise visit. So we are...but plane tix alone were $1100 round trip for us, not to mention hotels, gifts, etc, not that she's not worth it, but I am kind of starting to wonder..

I guess what that means is that I need to get my act together and start planning some fabulous activities. Now darling girl, where are you in relation to Petoskey MI? Might I actually get the chance to meet the darling Princess Freckles?! :) xoxoxoxo

I Love Your Whole Face said...

I feel your pain. I had a friend's bach party be a Bruce Springsteen concert. Cost almost $300 before you bought drinks, dinner, etc. It was insane. I think people are going a little overboard.

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