Friday, September 16, 2011

Friendship

Times like these are when having this, mostly anonymous, blog is such therapy for me! Only a few of my "real life" friends know about my blog or even read it! Luckily for me, I can be open and honest on here. Oftentimes, I feel like my blogging friends are more aware of some of the occurrences in my life, and I love having this community!

I'm 28, and over the last several years, my life has grown and changed so much. I've changed. I've matured, and I sometimes wonder when that happened? I've always been really social and had lots of girlfriends. In college, I met some wonderful women through Kappa Delta and we're still very close. I also kept in touch with some of my High School friends while in college and beyond. I've also met new friends, post college, from working and through other friends....typical, I think, when you're in your 20s. You meet friends over the years from different places.

Only, it's gotten dicey. As we grow up, sometimes we grow apart. My closest friend and I seem to see the world through the same eyes, and we give each other the benefit of the doubt. We have similar marriages and lifestyles, so it's an easy friendship. She once explained that in High School, we were all on a level playing field, for the most part, which made friendships easier. Now that we're adults with husbands, careers, success, failure, homes, some with families, pets, stresses, the playing field isn't as even. We tend to gravitate toward people who are like-minded. These changes and choices make friendships, which were fostered in our teens, harder to maintain, especially if the parties involved have made different choices. Immature people will start resenting other's successes, ect.

We both ended a friendship with the same H.S. friend in 2009. It's wasn't a "mean girl" situation, and we both had completely different reasons for ending the relationship. I tried to hang on longer, because I was closer with the girl, but in the end, I realized I couldn't be friends with her anymore. It was like breaking up with a boyfriend or something....I felt so sad for a long long time. In retrospect, I could have been more direct and more honest with my feelings before the friendship started falling apart. There was so much hurt on my end, that when the opportunity to handle the conflict the same way I always had, sort of brushing it under the rug and letting it go, arose, I couldn't. I had had enough.

Now, it's happening again. My H.S. and college best friend and I seem to be drifting apart. She's going through some tough times, and I've been there for her. Only, it's not being received in the way I'd anticipated and then she just went MIA. I called and called, finally emailing. Two days later, she responded via text in a manner I did not see coming. My email was heartfelt, kind, honest and I felt like I expressed myself very well. She is behaving more like we did 10 or 15 years ago. We're meeting for coffee to talk it out this weekend. I think the best thing I can do is let her speak. I've expressed my feelings in the email. Honestly, I'm not sure how I've failed her. I'm busy, but I make time to talk. I'm not a mind reader, so I can't know when she needs a friend unless she tells me. I can't know if I've hurt her unless she tell me. In H.S. girls ignore each other and eventually people figure it out, but now, if I call and don't hear back, I might forget about it for a couple days because I'm living my life. I hope we can better understand each other after we talk, and I really hope we can set a precedent for the future, one where we communicate, and no one keeps score. I'm not keeping score, but there's a record.

Am I alone in this? I'm just wondering if anyone else has or is experiencing this? I feel like oftentimes women project their own insecurities onto their friends. I'm not perfect, but my #1 rule in my friendships is to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. I never assume the worst. And most of the time, I let it go. because we're all jerks sometimes, we all get busy, we all fail, so why should I be a critic to my friends? Especially if I know it's not personal? I'm not really insecure though. Is that the worst thing you've ever heard? I like myself most of the time. Sure, there are things I've said and done and cringe when I think back. But for the most part, I try to be authentic, I own my actions, and I feel good about myself.

Today, I've used my blog as therapy. I was never one to keep a diary, but I needed to get this out. I hope I'm not alone, or maybe I do, because losing a friend or feeling like you're about to lose one really stinks! I have a hunch that I'm not alone though....

8 comments:

QueenBeeSwain said...

my heart hurts for you, I had one of these with one of my best friends from childhood- nothing mean-girl, we just grew apart, in different directions. it hurts, doesn't it?

keeping you in my thoughts.

xoox

kHm

Mrs. Type A said...

I can totally relate to this. I've been feeling that a very close friend of mine from home and I have been growing apart. I started to notice that out of all the friends in my life, she was the only one who is a "negative" minded person. She is always "glass half empty". All of my friends from the last few years are totally the opposite. I believe that your friends are a reflection of who you are-- and I am starting to realize that when she and I became close I was much more like her. Now I am a much more positive person and it's just hard to sometimes relate to her now.

Carrie said...

Love this post. Especially the part about being forgiving because people aren't always on their A-game. I feel the same way.

I'm also facing the same friend problem now. Hardest part is that I'm in her wedding in June. We've been friends since I was 12 and if I get married next year too she'll expect to be in my wedding but at this point in time I don't really want her in my wedding.

As I have no idea how to deal with her at this point and am choosing to avoid the problems but I know that won't work forever....

Anyway I can definitely sympathize and wish you luck

Anonymous said...

I've read your blog for some time, but this is my first comment.

It hurts when you lose a friend, but sometimes people do grow apart.

It never stops either as it happened to me last year as a 40 something year old.

Hang in there. Time helps!

: )

Kathy

A Texas Gal said...

I'm going through a very similar thing - you are not alone and it is just sad. I think that is the only emotion that makes sense to say - it just saddens me.

newlywedsinnewyork said...

So sorry to hear this, but we've all been there! You're definitely not alone... this too shall pass!

tasy said...

hi, i came accross to your blog and i would like to say that you are not alone.. we're in the same boat when it comes to friendship issue.. hang in there, if your numebr friends will trim down to one, that's still perfect, it means you've got the best among the rest! i like your blog.. i blog also but it's for my own consumption lol... i don't have the guts yet to open it to public! continue the fun, life is good and we only pass this way once!

tasy said...

i meant if your number of friends trimmed down to one... i apologize for the typos...thanks girl!